honeyMOONING
by DimentionQueen
Summary: For yayme2012s Breaking Dawn Contest Bella and Edward's wedding has finally arrived, and all heck has broken loose. Bella gets drunk, Edward's in a Speedo-induced coma, the caterer insists on cat food, and Jasper bites a national pop icon! CRACKFIC


honeymoon- _hon·ey·moon (noun)_

A vacation for a newly-married couple.

mooning- _moon·ing (verb)_

To expose buttocks to somebody.

honeymooning- _hon·ey·moon·ing (??)_

Trust me, you don't want to know.

**PROLOGUE**

**Jasper's POV**

It was the eve of Bella and Edward's wedding, and Alice was flying around trying to take care of last minute details.

"Jazzy bear, it's the caterer! Can you take it? Rosalie and I are going to go pick up the bridesmaids' dresses from the designer." She tossed her cell phone towards me and walked out the door.

Yep, all of us Cullens were pitching in. Even Charlie, who had recommended said caterer from a previous stint catering Fork's annual swinging singles bikini wax clinic. (Don't ask. Edward was scarred for life after receiving _that_ mental image…) Alice wasn't too happy about the choice, but Bella was thrilled that her father wanted to be a part of her special day. So Alice had to go along with the plan for fear of upsetting Edward's wife-to-be.

I caught the phone with the aid of my totally radical über-awesome coolio vampire powahs and held it to my ear. "Hello, Jasper Hale here. Is this Gruffy McDuffy from Fancyfeast Catering?"

The man on the other end of the line made a loud squelching noise in response. Such a noise that could only be ascribed to mucus being removed rather forcefully from the nasal cavity via finger. It was times like these that made me _glad_ that I sucked blood, and thus wouldn't be eating at the reception like poor Bella.

"Yes, this is Gruffy. I'm calling to confirm your order of twenty dozen crates of designer cat food for your event on August fifth."

At first I thought I had heard him wrong. But then I came to my senses and realized that, with my totally radical über-awesome coolio vampire powahs (hereby to be referred as TRUACVP), there was no way I could have misunderstood. So I voiced my opinion in the most eloquent and mannerly way I knew possible.

"DESIGNER CAT FOOD?! I DIDN'T F--ING ORDER ANY F--ING DESIGNER F--ING CAT FOOD!!" Yay me! I didn't even have to use my TRUACVP to be so smooth!

"Ah, but my _squelch_ records _squelch_ indicate that you did order twenty dozen crates of designer cat food_…squelch squelch_…and the order can't be cancelled…_ squeeeeelch_…ahh, that's it! I finally got…"

I dropped the phone so I wouldn't have to hear what exactly the caterer had dug out of his nose. I mean, eww. Some things are too scary for even a vampire like mwah. I had to do something quick before I had a heart attack from all of the grossness…wait a second- could vampires have heart attacks? (Note to self: Ask Carlisle if vampires _can_ have heart attacks.­) Anyways, I had to do something. Preferably something that utilized my TRUACVP.

Grinning to myself, I got back on the phone. "Are you _sure_ you can't give me a refund? I would sooo _toootahhliee _appreciate it," I crooned in my sultriest voice. Who knew impersonating Rosalie had its real life applications?

"I can't cancel your order, but with every twenty dozen crates of designer cat food, you get seventeen and a half ballet tutus for free! Would you like your tutus in salmon, puce, or that really funky shade or green that looks like a cross between cat barf and minced leprechaun?"

"I don't want any tutus!" I exclaimed, "I just want you to cancel that cat food order!" Reflexively, I smacked my head against the nearest wall.

"Well, you're getting your cat food and your tutus, buddy, SO PICK A COLOR!"

I sighed. It wasn't as if we Cullens didn't have enough money to pay for the cat food. And accepting the order would get the crazy caterer off of my back. "I guess I'll take the puce tutus." Even though I had about a cold day in heck's idea of what puce was. Another thing I ought to ask Carlisle about.

"So, what are you going to _do_ with those tutus?" The condescending voice on the end of the line shocked me back from my puce tutu-induced pondering.

"_What?_" I was at a loss for words.

"I don't usually care what people do in their own homes, but that's just wrong, man, wrong."

"Whaaa…"

"I don't care if you are fruity fruit bar, man, but a tutu fetish? That's sick."

"A TUTU FETISH? You're the one who forced me to get the stupid things. And I'm not gay!" By now, my eye was twitching at a speed that could potentially break the sound barrier.

"I calls 'em as I sees 'em!"

"Yeah, well, takes one to know one!"

"So, you admit you are gay then."

"Ack! Well… I'm NOT! So there! And besides, wouldn't that make _you_ gay?"

"No, Captain Sissy Pants."

"That makes no sense whatsoever!" I shrieked at the now disconnected cell phone. "I'm not…

**Alice's POV**

"…GAY!!" I walked in the door, Rosalie in tow, just in time to see Jasper proclaiming his sexual orientation to my cell phone. Honestly, I didn't know why I didn't see this coming. Perhaps the caterer "moonlighted" as a werewolf. (No pun intended.)

"I told you that you shouldn't have left him with such a big responsibility," Rosalie smirked at me, "Now give me those fifty dollars you owe me."

I sighed inwardly as I handed my sister the cash. "And by the way, Alice, you should really so something about your husband before he conniptions all over our new Persian rug."

* * *

'Twas the night before Bella and Edward's wedding, you see  
But Bella was drunk from her bachelorette party;

The vampires, however, were out of luck  
For Bella was trying to convince Edward to, um, oh dear…

_Buy mismatched box spring and mattress sets at a discount price_

_from a nationally known mattress dealer? _

…um, let's go with that.

* * *

**Honey_mooning_**

A bright, sunny day dawned in Forks. The kind of bright, sunny day that normally brought joy and happiness to the majority of the population. However to the many residents of Forks (used to rain on a daily basis), a bright sunny day such as this screamed 'get in your car and drive far away, then hop in a plane and fly even farther away, then board a space shuttle and escape to the darkest recesses of the solar system.' Too bad nobody listened to the weather on that bright, sunny day in Forks.

* * *

It was the morning of Bella's wedding, and the bride-to-be was standing at the end of the Cullens' driveway, pelting passing cars with watermelons. Alice was witnessing the event, horrified.

"Bella! Bella! Get back in here before Edward sees you and kills me!" Alice groaned. She should have never thrown Bella that bachelorette party. But even she wouldn't have guessed that Bella would get this drunken consuming only one little glass of heavily diluted wine!

But that was the least of her worries. Edward would be back from picking up his tux any minute, (she'd had a rather convenient glimpse of the future) and Alice did not want to take a gander at what would happen if he caught a glimpse of Bella in her current state.

Standing proudly in all of her watermelon-chucking glory, Bella was clad in a grass hula skirt, pantyhose, and a thick ski sweater embroidered with dolphins. Oven mitts covered her hands and pink swim goggles were strapped lopsided over her face. An old traffic cone perched jauntily upon her messy hair.

"Get back here you monstrous metal monstrosity!" Bella yelled at a yellow beetle convertible that so happened to be passing by, "Or I shall obliterate you with the sacred watermelon of the talking dog that stars in those Bush's beans commercials!"

The petite vampire groaned and marched down to the edge of the driveway. Grabbing Bella by the horribly oversized swim goggles, she marched back up towards the house. Unfortunately, right at that moment, Edward's shiny Volvo turned into the driveway. Thinking quickly, Alice rushed over to her bright yellow Porsche, popped the trunk open, and stuffed a squirming Bella in.

She'd just slammed the trunk shut when Edward sidled up, a suspicious look on his face. "Alice, I could have sworn I'd heard Bella. Where is she?"

"Uhh, she went to the...uh, foot doctors...to...buy a..._taco suit_!" Alice groaned inwardly at her spur of the moment excuse. Edward wasn't that stupid, and to top it off, he could read mi...Oh crap.

'Okay, Alice. Think about other things. Like pumpernickel bread. Big horned sheep. Jacob Black in a Speedo. Yes, that'll do.' She grinned evilly to herself, mentally broadcasting the Edward-offending image. 'JACOB BLACK IN A SPEEDO!'

Edward recoiled in one part shock, thirteen-point-five percent nausea, and one-hundred-billion-and-five dollars worth of Iwannaripmyeyesout-itis.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THAT'S NASTY!" Edward dropped to the ground and curled up into a fetal position, eyes a-twitching.

"Oh dear. Bella, I think I killed your boyfriend," Alice shouted at the trunk of her car. Picking up a stick, she poked the writhing bronze-haired vampire in the gut. Edward groaned. "Never mind, he's okay, Bella. Bella…_oh my god_ _I FORGOT ABOUT BELLA_!"

Alice hurriedly opened the trunk door, only to find an unconscious Bella slumped on the floor.

"Oh crudmuffins."

* * *

Meanwhile, Rosalie was waiting at the airport for the wedding singer Emmett had hired. She sighed as she shifted around in the hard plastic chair near the baggage claim.

"Flight 254, service from Memphis, Tennessee. Please pick up your baggage at carousel five."

Rosalie stood up and grabbed the large sign that screamed 'Cullen Wedding' in garish pink calligraphy. She scanned the room as people trickled in, watching for anyone who glanced her way.

Finally, after what seemed to be an agonizing eternity of waiting, a young blonde girl spotted the sign and started to make her way towards the impatient vampire. Rosalie nearly gagged on her own venom when she saw exactly who the wedding singer was.

"Are you the Cullen Wedding representative? 'Cause I'm your singer, y'all."

Emmett had hired Hannah Montana.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Rosalie, Jacob Black was at the opposite end of the very same baggage claim area. Having finally gotten over the crushing pain of loosing Bella, he'd decided to come home. So Jacob had hopped the first plane back to Forks.

He was just entering the baggage terminal when he saw her. The beautiful girl's long blonde hair swished gracefully around her shoulders as she walked out of the terminal and into Jake's heart forever. He had imprinted.

* * *

"Dang flabbit! That darn sheet music gave y'all a paper cut!"

Rosalie inwardly facepalmed as she glanced over at Emmet and Jasper. She could see the latter was having a hard time controlling his bloodlust, what with the way Hannah Montana kept waving her bloody finger around in the air. Jasper's muscles tensed as he prepared to spring. Rosalie smirked.

"You're not going to stop him are you, Rose," Emmett scowled under his breath.

"Yeah, well you didn't have to sit with her in a car for three hours to get here."

Ever since Rosalie had picked up the pampered pop star from the airport to drive her to the church, she'd talked nonstop about Tennessee: Tennessee food, Tennessee boys, even Tennessee _road kill_! And that was when she wasn't belting out cheesy lyrics about last season's denim pants.

"But she's my favorite singer…pwwweeeasee?" Emmett stuck out his quivering lower lip and widened his golden eyes.

"Don't even think about using those puppy-dog eyes on me, Emmett Cu…"

"BLOOD!!" Before the others knew what was happening, Jasper pounced on the unsuspecting diva and sank his teeth into her jugular. Slurping noisily, Jasper drained Hannah Montana of her blood.

"Yum! AB positive!" He licked his lips and grinned up at his siblings. Emmett and Rosalie just stood there in shock.

"Oh, don't worry guys. I didn't drink it all. She has a drop or two left."

Just then, Jacob Black ran into the back room of the chapel and glanced down at the quickly transforming Hannah Montana.

"Oh my GOD! The _heartbreak_! It's happening all over again!" Jake exploded into werewolf form and ran out of the church, leaving behind his one true love, Hannah Montana.

* * *

"You…_WHAT_?"

"Well, Bella was drunk and threatening cars with watermelons, so I stashed her in the trunk of my car so Edward wouldn't find out. But then he got suspicious and started to read my mind so I thought up a few, um, _disturbing_ images to get him to stop. And then I remembered that Bella was still in the trunk, but by the time I opened the lid, she was, well, not breathing. I stuffed Edward into the back seat and rushed over here. Now Edward's having a Speedo-induced conniption in the backseat of my Porsche and Bella's locked in the trunk."

"So Bella's DEAD?" Rosalie groaned, "Edward's going to kill us when he wakes up from his Speedo-coma!"

"Of course she's not dead, silly! I bit her!" Alice chirped, "Why _else_ would I lock her in the trunk?"

"You moron. How's she supposed to get MARRIED while turning into a vampire?" scowled an infuriated Rosalie.

"Oh, yeah. That _would_ put a damper on her wedding night."

Rosalie sighed. Fortunately, she had an idea. Now all they had to do was wake up Edward.

* * *

Alice shoved the unconscious Bella into her wedding dress and pinned the veil on top of her hair. Alice then crouched down on her knees as Rosalie perched Bella on top of her shoulders and pulled the wedding dress skirt down.

"See, I told you this would work," Rosalie lectured, "all you have to do is crawl down the aisle with Bella on your shoulders. Just make sure Edward doesn't lift the veil, and no one will know the difference."

* * *

At the same time, Jasper and Emmett were trying their best to return Edward to a lucid state. Fortunately, after much slapping, shaking, and poking with a broken leg-of-lamp, Edward returned to normal. Unfortunately, since all their attention was turned to their spazzing brother, neither vampire noticed when Hannah Montana got up and walked away.

"Ugh, what happened," Edward moaned, sitting up, "I feel like my mind's been raped by a werewolf in spandex!"

"You have no idea buddy," Emmett muttered, "Now let's get you into your tux and down to the altar!"

* * *

The wedding march played as Bella and Alice stumbled down the isle. Alice was having a hard time keeping Bella balanced on her shoulders from her bent-over position under the dress. Bella would sway around like one of those dashboard hula dolls whenever Alice moved. This gave Bella the rather comical appearance of a drunken monkey dancing the Macarena.

To top it all off, Bella was starting to regain consciousness from her transformation. Every now and then, she would spurt out something totally inappropriate; Alice fervently hoped the guests couldn't hear her. Finally, they reached Edward and the minister at the altar. Bella, noticing Edward, blurted out the most unseemly phrase yet.

"Hey Eddie-poo! Wanna have SEX?"

Edward managed only a shocked, "Whaa…"

Bella grinned. "You know, go at it like rabbits, dance the horizontal tango, do the 'F' in 'WTF'…" Bella then passed out. So did Charlie.

The chapel doors then burst open, and Gruffy McDuffy the caterer burst in, toting a large bag. Reaching into the sack, he pulled out several large cans of designer cat food and started hurling them at the unsuspecting wedding guests.

"You're paying for that cat food, you fruity freak!" the caterer screeched at Jasper in the pews, before morphing into a were-Chihuahua and bolting out the door. Charlie woke up and fainted again.

"This explains so much," Alice muttered.

Just when everyone thought nothing more could go wrong, the newly-vampirized Hannah Montana burst out from behind the altar. She sunk her teeth into the closest source of blood, which, unfortunately, happened to be the pastor.

By now Bella's father had regained consciousness again. "Holy mother of god! Hannah Montana ate the priest!" Charlie fainted a third time.

Edward buried his face in his hands. "Anyone up for Vegas?"

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

After Jacob had found his soul mate near dead on the floor and transforming into a vampire, he ran to the nearest Burger King to drown his sorrows in ten pounds of grease and cholesterol. Little did he know that love would once again cross his path.

**Jacob's POV**

I was eating my Double Whopper with extra cheese, mayonnaise, and grease when I first laid my eyes on him. His golden crown, his curly brown hair, his creepy smile perpetually frozen in place. I was in love. As I ran up to the Burger King King and enveloped him in a big hug, I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Bear my babies through some intricately complicated M-preg plot device that makes absolutely no sense."

"What?" the Burger King King exclaimed in surprise.

"Don't be afraid," I murmured. "We belong together."

I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him…. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.

"Forever," he agreed. "Only you're gonna be the one having the baby."

* * *

_AN: This story was written for yayme2012's Breaking Dawn Spoiler Alert Contest. Basically, you had to write a story using the quote from the Breaking Dawn poster. __If you liked it, or even thought it was remotely funny, please review! (I love constructive criticism; it helps me to become a better writer.) If I have scarred you for life, feel free to flame. Just don't call your lawyer. _

* * *


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